This is Mr. Grimm,
"DaBaddest DaneDog" in Houston. After putting up with Grimm's Great Dane
hijinks for the past year, his owner ordered Grimm to draft a set of New
Year Resolutions for 2001. After much moaning and groaning (not to mention
indignant whining) here's what Grimm came up with:
I, Grimm Templar, promise that from this day forward I shall:
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– | refrain from destroying my toys. | – | keep
the nose prints off the patio door. | – | stay
out of the cat's litter box. | – | stop treating the TV as my private salt lick. | – | refrain from stepping in my own poop. | – | stop barking directly in my master's ear. | – | stop
pulling fast ones and then looking like I did nothing wrong. |
– | refrain
from chewing my own doggie bed. | – | stop
being a backseat driver and sticking my head in my master's line of sight. |
– | refrain
from panting directly in my master's face. | – | stop
licking myself when my master's guests are around. | – | refrain
from talking when my mouth is full of toys or sticks or bones. |
– | leave the room when I let one rip instead of just looking at my backside with
curiosity. | – | stop
splattering my dog food all over the floor. | – | refrain
from sneaking up on my master's bed in the middle of the night while s/he is sleeping
and then proceeding to hog the bed inch by inch. | – | resist
the temptation to be the first one out the door and let others go out the door
ahead of me. | – | refrain
from fracturing my master's toes as I lovingly jump on her/him. |
– | look
like I really enjoy having my nails clipped and my ears cleaned. |
– | stop
licking my master's face right after she has freshly applied her make-up. |
– | refrain
from chewing on chair legs and furniture in general and just chew on my own toys. |
– | stop
treating the food on the counter or on the table as if it belongs to me. |
– | stop
barking when I hear a dog or a doorbell on TV. | – | stop
rubbing myself against my master's new clothes in an effort to keep her/him at
home. | – | stop
sitting on my master's lap when s/he is putting on shoes. |
– | sit
quietly when someone comes to visit. | – | stop
cleaning my face on the bed pillows. | – | keep
my tail to myself and away from table tops. | – | stop
snorkeling in the water bowl and then letting water drip from my mouth onto the
floor. | – | resist
the urge to eat cat doodles. | – | resist
the urge to roll in cat doodles and/or other doodles. | – | stop
waking my master at 5 a.m. on the weekends. | – | strive
to place my bones out of harm's way and not in my master's direct line of travel,
especially at night. | – | refrain
from barking between the hours of 9:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m. |
– | refrain
from nesting in that warm pile of clothes that just came out of the dryer. |
– | refrain
from being so finicky when it comes to my dog food. | – | stay
out of the garbage. | – | wipe
my muddy paws before entering the house. | – | stay
off the sofa meant for guests. | – | refrain
from sitting on guest's laps. | – | stop
standing in front of the TV while my master is desperately trying to change channels. |
– | stop
being jealous when my master pets another dog. | – | refrain
from treating the Persian rug as my personal tug toy and running around the house
with it in my mouth. | – | stop
drinking from the sink while my master is washing his/her face. |
– | give
my master privacy in the shower and stop poking my nose where it does not belong. |
– | stop
embarrassing my master by sniffing my master's friends in the crotch. |
– | and
FINALLY, stop taking my master for granted and come immediately
when called
rather than when I feel like it.
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