How Now, Harle Cow?

July 9, 2001 – Several months ago a woman sent me a note about an incident involving her Great Dane. The woman was driving down the highway in her new Volvo wagon with her 170 pound Harlequin in back. She spotted a highway patrol car that was pulled over to the side of the road. It was too late to slow down. As she passed the patrolman she looked at her speedometer and was relieved to see she was going under the limit. A few moments later she glanced in her rear view mirror and saw a flashing blue light. Much to her surprise she was pulled over. As the officer approached her car, she rolled down the window and asked what the problem was. She got her answer: "Lady, don't you know it's against the law to transport livestock in an automobile?"

Once the patrolman realized it was a Harlequin Great Dane in the wagon instead of a young Holstein, he let her go. But her story got me thinking. What's the difference between a cow and a Great Dane? I came up with a few ideas:

  • If it Moo's, it's a cow. If it Woo-Woo's, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it puts milk or beef on the table, it's a cow. If it steals milk or beef off the table, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it sleeps in the pasture, it's a cow. If it wouldn't dream of sleeping in a pasture and insists on a couch – or better yet, your bed – it's a Great Dane.
  • If it has four stomachs, it's a cow. If it merely pretends to have four stomachs, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it produces 10 tons of manure a year, it's a cow. If it produces 5 tons of manure a year, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it wears a bell around its neck so you can find it, it's a cow. If you never have to look for it because it's always right there, it's a Great Dane.

That's the best I can do on short notice. If anyone has anything to add, please email me. Let's see if we can't grow this list!

Okay!! Here are some additional "observations" submitted today by our most creative visitors:

  • If it produces manure, it's a cow. If it rolls in manure, it's a Great Dane.
  • If your vet drives an old pick-up, it's a cow. If your vet drives a new Lexus, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it's leaning on a fence, it's a cow. If it's leaning on you, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it lies down just before a thunderstorm, it's a cow. If it sits on your lap during a thunderstorm, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it chews its cud, it's a cow. If it chews your new Italian leather shoes, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it eats grass and keeps it down, it's a cow. If it eats grass and throws it back up (usually on your best carpet), it's a Great Dane.
  • If you can milk it, it's a cow. If it milks you and your bank account, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it has all four feet in the air and it's not breathing, it's a dead cow. If it has all four feet in the air and it's breathing or snoring, it's a sleeping Great Dane.
  • If it grazes in the pasture, it's a cow. If it grazes off the kitchen counter, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it drinks from a trough, it's a cow. If it drinks from the toilet, it's a Great Dane.
  • If it swats flies with its tail, it's a cow. If it swats people with its tail, it's a Great Dane.

  Jabber Update
We've been nervously awaiting the result of Jabber's last urinalysis, which was submitted for laboratory testing/culture last week because he is still passing blood, even though he has been undergoing various antibiotic treatments for the past three months. The preliminary result came in today. Bad news. Jabber's urine still contains bacteria. It's probably E. coli, but we will have to wait several more days for a detailed report. Jabber finished 30 days of Clavamox treatment last Wednesday, so he's currently on his own with this infection. I don't know how much longer we can fight this off – the E. coli has won every battle so far.

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